March 07, 2006

That’s right folks – I’m in Iraq. It’s crazy, I know – and it’s also why I haven’t posted in a long time. No, I didn’t join the Army or Navy or Marines and I’m not reporting for a newspaper or in some secret agency – I’m on vacation. Hell yeah! Do you even know how fucking cheap the flights are to Baghdad right now? I scored a round-tripper on Expedia for like 14 bucks!

Of course, internet access isn’t really that great right now and when I tried to tell some I guy that I needed to update my blog, I think he thought I was drawing a cartoon about Islam. Not sure how he could confuse the two, but nonetheless, I was taken hostage for about 15 days.

The good thing about being taken hostage is that I didn’t have to pay for a room. They fed me a few times a day and one night me and the guys (who were all wearing masks and I told them to take them off because one dude said his was itchy) all bonded and talked old 90210 episodes. I never knew how popular Dylan and Brenda were with terrorists. The crazy shit you learn while on vacation, right?

Anyway, after 15 days, they realized that no one gave two shits about me so they let me go. However, while walking back to my hotel, a police officer thought that, because I was so fat, I was carrying a bomb under my shirt. Wham! 10 days in jail.

Once again, jail was cool because I didn’t have to pay for my stay and I was provided a few meals a day…for free! After the officers realized that I was just some fat American, they let me go but made me go straight to the airport. I asked if I could go take a picture of that big Saddam statue that fell because, seriously, that’s all us Americans know of Iraq – but they told me that it was no longer there.

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